to gaslight others you must gaslight yourself first..
Have I ever liked anything or did I hate the alternatives enough to push me towards where I am?
The idea to write this out came when I found myself wondering if I really am as much of a hater as I present myself to be. I dared myself to write things I hate. Stuck, I sat with a blank page for minutes before I realized I need to put a stop to this.
I often find myself arguing that I don't really like things, and I function based on the things I hate.
In every path I chose, I made decisions in an assumption that I hate the alternatives, not because there was some "drawing factor" - at least that's what I thought to be was real.
I remember getting excited for my first physics and chemistry classes, but I also know how excited I got over history books and geography lectures. Which, to this day, makes me wonder why I've claimed to hate the social sciences to justify my choices.
I've also found myself enjoying drawing lessons (even though I claim to hate any field that requires to do it on the daily(I think I do hate it tho)). I even chose fields based on what I hated the least.
These, to say the least, represent almost every decision I've made to this day. The elimination pattern was visible if I was willing enough to acknowledge my doubts. If I paused for a moment and gave myself a chance..
All of these make me wonder if I'm just choosing what I like but refusing to own up to it because I consider taking a liking to things and having a particular interest in them as something so out of reach, as committing to it and being good at it. It's almost as if there's a certain way I should be liking things, and I can only speak up if I meet the criteria (which I made up, because what does that even mean?).
I've been stuck refusing to accept that I too can have interests, and I think that has cost me some half of my years, questioning if it was worth it. The fear of not fitting in niche spaces is debilitating and disabling. It holds you back more than you could ever imagine. But, does it make sense for people to pass some conditions before being accepted into a secret, mysterious society for approval we made up in fear? Does it really sit right with me? which leads me to my hate list. Still a blank page. I should give it a rest if it's not going anywhere. Maybe it's time to try the 'things I like' list and commit -yes, a git pun.